I question life constantly. Unfortunately or not, depending on where I am in my journey, there is a large hole in me that always needs to be filled, this means I always need others, I will always need help.
So my thoughts are now, how invested in Life am I? I had a really good talk with a friend of mine while eating a raisin bagel with cream cheese. We talked about how there are so many things growing in our garden, but we only have a small pitcher of water, what then do we water, what do we pour our pitchers on to grow? The plants in dire need, that are dying? The ones that flower or have fruit or vegetables? I think about my relationships, the ones I water. I am very limited, but is it possible to be a channel of a Higher Being or Cause, and just be open and let this Ocean of water flow through me?
I think practically, I can invest Love, Money, or Time into my garden. Love is the point I think. The fruit of Life. We all have the wiring of Fear tied to our hearts, Fight or Flight (what about Faith or Forgive) , but if we can switch the power source to Love, the sensitive fear based wiring, still in place, but now powered by Love, I feel joy and laughter bubbling over, I smile, feel good, I think this is the path to becoming a healer.
I can also invest money, a symbol to me of people’s labor, blood sweat and tears, working fingers to the bone, and getting only boney fingers, money is something I really am in debt to, I sometimes think that God is writing me a tab for all of the health insurance and other debts I owe. I will pay one day.
Time really does not exist, however Time gives me a sense of urgency, urgency that I only have a limited amount of time to celebrate Life, to catch the ball, to remove all of the dams I built, the rivers of Love I have damned, I feel I am here for some sort of purpose, for me to live something else must die. I can invest time in people, go to a retirement home, listen to a friend, read a book, paint, I think creative arts are using Love, Time and Money all in one. I used to think mowing the lawn was an illusion to have some control over nature, it was a chore, but now its become, from I have to mow the Lawn, to now I get to mow it. I hope I can do this with Love and if possible Style. I wonder why I am in such questioning stage, maybe its the next step. Perhaps it’s because I feel so f-ing Lost. My Best Bro is here. Now he is gone. I think it is meant to be a mystery, this is what we talked about over coffee and a bagel. What a Beautiful day.